To my favorite scar

I couldn't play favorites
Too little too late//toomuchtoosoon

So bury me
in memory
His smile's my rope, so wrap it tight

Light that smoke-
-one for giving up on me,
and another because they'll kill you sooner than your expectations

Not the first or the last I've stolen poetic justice from your worn lines, dust and sweat
seamless blending, if only He were reading He would see the difference - silly boy,
you think family makes you a man.

Silver quartet of high school indulgence releases my independence releases my consciousness
reveals what was admonished releases the hounds, ever racing ever spinning
cycles that I can't control could control would should control
Your friends say My friends say
Friends always say the truth
                                             BUT
                                                       the truth      comes                 too                                   late.

Welcome to my hell

www. streamofconsciousness .com

And when I open the gates when I open the fate and let it out

It goes

and goes

and formatting makes you fall in love

with what is really just the reasons I can't sleep at night printed black and white sans serif 13 point

And you fucking love it. You're surprised

I am not

Of course you are. 

I know you are but what am I

What I am

How am I not myself

--
You're new here. Fledgling gracing pages of my inconsistent nonexistent book of shadows
Sleep forsakes, boredom overtakes, is this it? Quite the letdown if it is.
--

This is a love song
In my Own way
Better off some way some other day somehow some say.

I am every cliche but I simply do it best//Cliches are no offense when your life is born into irregularity

Moon           

    -----------   

uooW

Well when you go

~So take your gloves, and get out                                                                                                                          

And maybe when you get back I'll be off to find another way


Such strange soul splitting understanding from such unlikely sources
when all around me reeks of oversaturation of the times
I'm hiding in my dark dusty musty highschool reminiscence
                                                                 and letting it read me like it was written to.

It's been a while since I took the time

to take the time

and take time to stop- 

time is relative.

But

I have been incredibly busy with my business

And because it's the time of year when 55 year old women try 

to claw eachother to the death 

over fake pine trees - I've been working my mundane day job lots too.

Learning how to not let yourself put your life on pause for anything that isn't worth it is one of the easiest ways to feel free. Sometimes it's still a struggle to refuse to let myself feel guilty for needing to live the way I need to live, and I feel that it might always be that way. There will always be something there making me doubt, telling me I can't make it where I want or trying to distract me from my dreams with Convincingly conniving pretty painted pictures. Stream of consciousness stream my mind unleash it and let it fall back to pieces. Back to place. Back where it belongs. Get it out get it off get it up, the only way to decompress. 

I respect that you think it's clever, I love that you think it's beautiful but it's my mind. It's just my mind. Can't compress it can't suppress it can't control it. I have to flow the way I flow. I have to release the magic.

You guys.

I have to release the kraken magic.

Okay it's story time, you guys.

So

What had happened was...

I'm at my friend's house

she owns a completely kick ass small business that frankly I'm honored to be able to help her with.

Four of us

Three 30 year olds and me

Discussing how they buy their middle school aged nephews and nieces gift cards instead of giving them cash to try and persuade them to spend it on things that aren't drugs.

My mental process is like "damn, they're doing drugs now?"

Agreement from the living room "Man when I was in middle school and I had cash I bought drugs!"

"Yeah when I had cash I bought beer." 

And me..."When I was in middle school and I had cash..I bought brownies."

"That's why you're 23 and you're a BossBabe."

Well

That's why I was 20 and fat.

The fact that I'm sitting here at 23 and skinny

combined with the fact that I ate a lot of brownies

must be the winning equation that equals BossBabe.

In fact

I think the brownies might have directly led to my success.

hashtag, my life.

***

So fix your eyes, and get up

baby, get up while you can.

***

The great thing is
that when I keep my focus on what I know I'm meant to be
Where I know my destiny is
I become so in tune with the universe that it even sends me messages of faith
positivity, and strength
reminders who I am and why I do what I do
Just when I need them.
I declare my affirmations daily, I see them
I live them

The other thing is

the thing is

//and this is me talking//

all I know is reminiscing

convincing

no matter how convincing

still don't want to hear your convincing

Just sounds like crying

But I didn't. Almost when I left the park. Not since you left the state.

The truth is

I'll be fine.

What I want does not dictate Fine

So I will be.

And because I don't know what to think

I won't think about it at all.

I have more important things to focus on than your impromptu departures

Back and forth so fast you gave me whiplash

This time I didn't get six months

I got about 36 minutes.

How can you blame me for the way I feel

Answer: you can't

Not really

not truly

Not after all this time

not this time.

You can wish I took it better and was more understanding

But the one thing you cannot do is become angry at me 

for the emotions creating this ugly torrent from my belly to my fingertips

for the line creased into my Jupiter finger that wasn't there before

(I felt it deepen and etch itself there

but it's fading)

Because somewhere through your defensive line    

                          You know. You feel why. 

And you don't blame me

But you're bitter because you had to go anyway

And I'm bitter because I knew that and I let myself believe you wouldn't anyway

And somehow I am left feeling like                    

just another one                                                             

of your social experiments                                                                     

                                 all

                            over

                        again.

[all over.]

[[again.]]

When you go

would you have the guts to

say "I don't love you like I

 loved you yesterday?"

I just wanted you to know

that I know

and I'll know

that you know

that I know

nothing at all.

i do a great impression of a hot dog.

M.

You can't sit with us

"Hey Scott...been a while."

A year I think? (approximately)

So here I sit.
Back at square one.
Back at "don't try too hard."
Back at everything being a new discovery, because so much territory goes uncharted
unmapped
                     uncapped
                                                 fat caps.

I need a vacation.

There's this new thing that I'm feeling lately.
It tastes a bit like envy
Everyone is engaged
Everyone is getting married
Everyone is getting INto relationships
And I'm just over here like...

...am I ever gonna be in one again? 


When it comes down to the classification choices I have to make 
    about whether or not what I feel is the delicious drowning of my sorrows and loneliness
                 (made a bit less delicious and slightly more hollow)
    if the knowledge that this really isn't going to work out is true
I have always been a believer in "when you know, you know." 
If I knew, I'd know. But I don't know. So I guess it isn't.

But Fall brings nostalgia in me;
brings the need for physicality, the need to allow myself to drift helplessly far into cheesy holiday songs and hypnotizing fires...just, not by myself.
Sometimes it feels like I'm just watching everyone else around me learn lessons while I am so far out I can't breathe
                                   (help help! I'm bein' repressed! Disassociation!)
And sometimes it feels like everyone I know is doing the same to me.

This retrograde isn't getting to me quite the way it usually does.
In fact, the opposite. I can see the breakdowns in communication but this time I feel like I'm doing a better job of rising above it.

Working on finding my place.
Working on the feelings I have that say I'll be forever working on finding my place.
Working on remembering my dreams.
Working on building my empire.
Working on myself.
Working.

I'll be okay. I've had lots of practice.

I'll be better than okay.

I am better than okay.

I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm good...

I think

It is far better 

to have someone 

wish to know you

than for someone to wish to be you.

Maybe

wishing to read the script

of someone's soul

makes the both of you

just

a little bit

more interesting.

..

ta ta.

M.

Universe, bring me sales.

Internet, bring me your money.

Love.

M.

What.

Just.

Happened.

brilliant brilliant brilliant

it's just new
it's all just new
no matter how many times
no matter with who
it's always new


you've no idea how the thought excites me
              tantalizes
having that much of a draw
   a pull
           -a pull cord
Even from so F         A            R the distance
I'm still brilliance.

Let it speak
Let it ring
Let it speak
Let it speak to you

getting drunk on the power

getting stoned on the vibes

get you lifted 

this instant

need another hit

get blown.

blow it up

blow it out

everywhere

Let's relax in this cloud

pack this bowl

for both of us

flick, spark, {flipchart}

Hide in hazy forests and fields

of dragonflies

fireflies

fire lies

in my eyes

never lie.

they never do 

I swear it's true

I'm considering Halloween

Hallololoween.

Wouldn't it

Wouldn't it be

Wouldn't it be keen

heard a tiny small thing inside me say

"don't look too far"

it's right here

already

right in front of your face

already.

And then so

In conclusion

Inc Onlusion

I jumped to it.

I'm just purple

                                                                                                           Sort of pale

Maybe lilac, lavender

                                                             -regardless

I am that perfect unbridled artistic spirit

who smokes too much

searching for like minded unbridled artistic spirits

who smoke just the right amount

to unleash my crazy all over

and who will enjoy it instead of

disappearing

and going 

quiet and not

texting back.

And who might even let loose some 

insanity of their own upon the ambiance

of the room.

Who talks about dreams and all of 

the symbols they containobtain

that answers "yes" to canyouseeit? because they can not because
I want them to.

If you think I'm strange

You should see how you come across to people

Because you ain't no bed of normal roses neither.

the difference between Me and those Roses

is that I saw Magic

and you just saw Crazy.

Now who's what and what's which?

That's what I thought.

I camembert it. 

Strange smells

Fuck spells

I just want

a liberty bell

sized

pile

of weed

to 

smoke..

Oh, Spare Me.

Moon          

uooW      

I know this is unwanted
So unwanted I fear sending it to you personally
a Never Send.
but I still think about you every day.
I know you are happier with her
I know you don't want me
I am afraid to read your response should I deliver this directly to you
And I don't want to know how happy you really are.
I don't know why I let my mind go there..

dripping silently
with regret
ca. 2011 as via present day.

My almost had
Last name Orion
First name Hunter
this will not be the last
but I will try to make it be the last
for a long time
because when I let you in it hurts.


Every time the lightning flashed...


















M.
i still want my movie back...

Life as Real

***
One more shothit
my mind goes blank
                                  no
not blank -
                  - there's just too many words is all.

For you:
        that's okay. I didn't need you anyway.
You loved me at my worst but can't keep up with my best
                     Oh how I wish that you could fly with me
                     but I know how you are devoted to your husband, Count Lorenzo
                     but for him, I would sweep you over yon garden wall
Oh, that I could cut these ties that bind me...

***

I'm the opposite of Amnesia

You're a cherry blossom-                               

                           -you're about to bloom.

You look so pretty but you're gone so soon.

***

I cast the line

I couldn't wait

to bait

too late.

Too bad, it's fate.

It's fate.

Your face.

***

Sometimes my words are better expressed in words that are not my words.

Sometimes karma works for us in the eyes of those who's journey we have not yet seen.

Sometimes I put cookies into a glass of milk and eat them with a spoon.

This morning I put Reeses in my smoothie.

Does it still count as a smoothie if it's got Reeses in it?

***

The thing is, I'm still figuring things out.

I'm a mess. But who isn't?

Maybe my mess matches yours. 

Do not cry, my 

dearest. It was not 

meant to be. I had no 

right to win your heart. 

I had no chance to 

win your love. So 

now, I'm afraid I must 

say farewell.

**

I just cannot

I cannot do it.

The universe will bring me what I need.

Do I believe that?

Even when I'm not getting it at the moment?

Do I take my own advice, about feeling okay with the lack of instant gratification and knowing that I am okay in the moment

In this hectic, psychotic, sociopathic, Facebook-stalking, wishful thinking, lucid dreaming moment?

Yeah. I have to. I have no other choice.

If I can't do it, I can't believe it.

I know I'm okay.

No matter what you sons of bitches do to me 

or take from me

or give to me

or copy of me

or deny me. 

I'm golden.

I'mgoldenI'mgoldenI'mgolden.

Easily distracted

I'll fabricate for you

                Tired of small talk

Tired of small ties

She should have just said "yes."

But I missed my chance

But the line is cast - can't take it back.

no, it's really deleted.

I didn't know how you felt.

So be it.

That's okay.

I didn't need you anyway.

I didn't need you anyway.

I don't need you anyway.

Moon anyway (any - way.)

losers.

s   i   l    e    n     c      e 

Sometimes

"here for you" 

is really

just

"here."

I'll Be Alright

It's not so bad out here on my own.

Making mail runs twice a week, I could get used to that for sure.

I believe my success is happening
starting to happen
happening now.

Aside from the fact that we may finally begin to come around to that ice age we're long overdue for, I'm not excited for fall or winter. I'm not ready to give up on summer yet. I want to keep my legs bare, my hair blowing in the breeze, my swimsuit smelling like chlorine and freedom. Next week it will be in the 80's and I intend to be outside every day in personal protest. Take that, seasons. Another protest? Keeping my super pale pastel locks for another month.

Starbucks has pumpkin spice already. Hobby Lobby has had Christmas trees since the end of June. Stop trying to make winter happen. It's not going to happen.
Can't you guys just relax and let us enjoy our Christmas carols about snow when it's NOT 100 DEGREES OUTSIDE? Give me one more month. By Halloween I'll be ready for fall. Shit.

My cosplay endeavor this year...

If I could just find the right bodysuit, I'd be set. Making the light up ball and mods will be fun. My first choice was Cortana, but it seems that most people who dress as her really don't "dress" in anything. They body paint the blue lines on and just go on their merry way. Myself and my lack of suitable abs decided we'd rather show a little butt meat instead and cover up the less defined tummy parts. Who doesn't love glowing blue hip tattoos?


Next goal: doing my very best to promote my pretty purple haired self at as many events as possible during Fall. REAL Fall. I've got a new line of Lego jewelry and an arsenal of beautiful magic rocks to back me up, I can't help but sell.

This is what I'm doing with my life

MOON.

1001 pageviews.

Thanks.

Maybe during the next thousand

you'll lurk less.



phonesgobothways

M.

Human as Artemis

Business is booming

It warms my heart.

Learning how to not let it break me when the stars turn away

and everything I touch turns to shit.

A few sweet people reminded me that

gardens need shit to grow

and everyone has to fart some of it out once in a while.

Life.

I am infinite

I am imitated

(never duplicated)

sometimes placated

constantly dedicated

Scrumtrillescent

stars.

do you see it?

youcanshutyoureyesbutyoucan'tturnoffyoursoul

Phones work both ways.

So do computers.

I tried. I reached. Couldn't reach It.
The number you have dialed is no longer in service.
Here's a poem:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
If you're not there for me
I won't be there for you.

I won't be there for you.
I won't be there.
I won't be.


I won't. 

+even when I don't wanna be

+even when everyone else wanna be

+everything you ever gonna be

MOON.

I forgot already, what you about to know.

Believe it or not

I do think, legitimately, it is bad luck for me to wear matching socks. I have not worn matching socks in years. So many years, I cannot remember how many. The closest I will get is matching patterns in different colors, but they can never be the same color.

I do actually get the hint when people don't want to spend time with me, even if it's not the hint I want to get. I'm just stubborn.

I meditate in the shower. My mind never shuts up. Most people have a little voice; I have a debate team, at least six different instruments, a lawn mower, and a choir. The white noise of the shower water helps drown that shit out so I can get some inner stuff taken care of.

I bleached my hair seven times to get it light enough to turn lavender. It took 3.5 months. I dye it every week; mixed into a concoction and saran wrapped to my head for a minimum of one hour. (It's usually closer to 3-4) I'm dedicated.

I am arrogant and shy at the same time. I don't understand either. I am also curious and introverted, intense and soft, loud and invisible. I might be an alien.

I'm an alien.

Believe it or not-

                                 It's past my bedtime

moonGLORIOUSgloriouslyOUT.

Mer!

Mer.

Mer mer mer mer, mer. Mer mer mer mer. Mer mer.

Mer.
Mer mer.

MER.

This update has been brought to you by the Coucil of Mer.

I went to the circus and it was fucking awesome.
Pretty positive my hand is fractured. My wrist and elbow and shoulders are all jacked up.
Thanks, Haylee P.
You fucking twit. You suck.
Lern 2 drive. 
And tell your mommy she won't be able to fight your battles for you and hide you away from the world forever.

My chiropractor is incredibly kind this time, and their office manager knows me from work and loves my jewelry. So at the very least, those experiences are as pleasant as they can be for getting cracked and acupuncture'd.

When people ask your friends if you're crazy behind your back.
Officer Hitler.
My life.


Fuck it. I'm doing the best I can.
I have an art show tomorrow. I'm wearing a goddamn sexy dress and I get to play Social for the evening.
At the very least, I'll have a wonderful time. 

**

And maybe there has to be a point

where everything explodes

and you get a reset.

Or maybe

you explode

instead.

maybe one day we'll find

that place where you and i

could be together. and we'll 

catch our dreams within the

waves of change. so smile

for me one last time and

believe that we'll meet again.

until then, i'll be missing

you.

r.m. drake

Daily is an understatement.

Hourly.

I'll forget eventually.

But I will always 

always think

how unfair it was

that I got to taste something so close to perfection

And knew what it was to feel

like the hole that's been empty since birth

is finally

filled;

only to find

in this life

it may just remain empty..

Sending every ounce of juju in my heart to change yours

daily.

Daily is an understatement.

Hourly.

i

will crawl through your hair

tangled up and fallen,

and burrow deep into your dream.

i will be the wish

you were too scared

to make.

moon.

If you ever stop and wonder

If you are in a place to wonder
If you allow your mind to wander
Along that Moonlit winding
Path
And you're wistful
And you're thinking wishing
Blue never stopped thinking about you.

Too many. Too much. The things.

I'm a fool. 

mewn.

I could

post a really passive aggressive blog entry, but I won't.

 (just a little bit of one.)

I had been feeling, lately, like I'd been depending on you too much.

Thanks, universe.

My car is totaled. Value unknown. 

Farewell, Moonmobile.

I am all alone here. And yet, I am not alone. 

I went for a run

I went to the park

I thought thoughts. 

I had fun without you.

My feelings are hurt. 

Lots of emotions. Anger. Determination. Desolation. Decadently dangerous cocktails of things that probably aren't supposed to be together at the same time. And so, like I've learned to do, when I don't know what to do....

Do nothing. 

I'll do me. 

Eventually she'll go home

But this is my home

And there is nothing to go back to. Things just are 

they are the way they are

and they just are. 

They were that way

And now they are this way.

I'm miles away.

I don't want to come back.

Ignoring is easier. 

Maybe my car is totaled because the new one I get will be good enough to take me out of this state and into a brand new life. No attachments. (JackJack doesn't count as an attachment.) I want to go to Denver.

British Midland doesn't fly to Denver.

mOON

Cheddar Pepper Updates

If you're concerned about JackJack

don't be.

He's fine. He pulled through like a little trooper

But wait, there's more!

A gigantic half ton Silverado ran a stop sign and rammed me.

I'm hurt, but I'm fine. Didn't break any bones.

My shoulder is fucked. My wrist and neck and cheekbones and fingertips hurt.

I can't see a doctor yet -

-it's the weekend, and their insurance company has been unreachable.

And until they play nice and accept fault (which would be pretty tough for them not to do when the police report says it was their bad) I am paying out of pocket for any medical care. And a rental car.

Which I had goddamn better have on Monday, or I am going to be a very pissed off Mooncat.

Little tiny teenage girls driving big giant trucks that they cannot control: fuck off and die. You guys are cocksuckers, and you deserve to have your licenses revoked until you learn how to drive properly. You two  dumbass little ignorant basic bitches and your country bumpkin rhinestone-studded butt mother, seriously, 

goest thou to hell and swiftly please.

I'll be stuck in this house until further notice. At least I'm being productive.

Work two days, vending three days..this week is gonna be my bitch whether it likes it or not.

M.

Last night I and magnet and my mom were at the doggy ER with JackJack for hours.
He had some bizarre allergic reaction to a bug
got shot up with Benadryl and IV fluids
and we took him home.
He's still not himself. Not entirely.
He's on antibiotics for an infection he may have in his prostate. I think they make him sleepy.
I hope that's all it is. I need him to be okay.
This is making me sick.

Please anyone, if you're reading this, and you know and love JackJack (to know him is to love him), send him good juju and healing doggy vibes. He needs it, and I need it. I want to be able to tell people they have been overcome by fluff for years and years still. Jack and I thank you, deeply, from the bottom of our very different hearts. He is my entire world.

Something Obscure and Artistic

              Leave the past behind,

                                                                       just walk away.

        When it's over,

                                           and a heart breaks-

                                                                                                   -and the cracks begin to show.

You are a ghost

You are a shadow

Ever pale ever longing, ever hiding

in my mind, in that text in those words.

scouring the outpouring, nose to the ground snorting your lines

silly watching lustful eyes;..

Do you even know? Are you out there? How far out?

My sorry selfish need to be the strongest connection

always once again, finding me finding me out

stuck on the border between denial and doubt--

you're not even reading this, are you?

Are you?

Do you see it?

It's everywhere I'm everywhere..

Why do the cycles have to be so closely timed

and not space themselves out-

                                         -further apart

like trains.

Why am I always missing the train

Said it was my turning point

turning in circles turning on point

running in place while my mind escapes.

So nice, the daydreams

niceschemesloudscreams

Charlie Sheen

fuck.

I know you. I remember you.

Take me away

from this place

from your face

      You can't be trusted                  with my breakable parts.

Alright, shit.

I get the hint.

I'm too magic for you anyway.

is it you I want, or just the notion of

a heart to wrap around

so I can find my way around

I saw Moon Moxxi.

Have fun with that (:

It's almost like I couldn't have planned it any better if I had actually planned it.

Enjoy my words. They're all that's left.

I got them both. I deleted them.

You made your move. Keep playing.

....and when you get to my level, let me know.

I'm way ahead of you.

Signature,
Done.

There's too many things I haven't done yet.

MOON.

ETHEL. YOU ARE NOT HOLDING A POSITIVE THOUGHT.

I gotta keep it real

                                                                                          kosher kosher kosher;

Cuz she don't want that bullshit -
                                                     no sir, no sir, no sir.

***

No.

You made your choice move.

You have fixed the sheets and blankets, now go take a nap.

In the words of Ricky Ricardo to Fred Mertz,

"don't be such a pusssssaaaaaaayyyyy."

I didn't realize how bad it had actually gotten, until I checked my "other" messages folder on Facebook and hey, there she is. No wonder she knows my name.

I wonder what else she knows.

I meant it. I'm done.

I'm not sending the book. I'm not doing a thing.

I'll see you, if I see you, and we can go from there.

***

Said OH LAWD JESUS

                                          IT'S A FIIIIIIIUH

And then the SMOKE got me - I GOT BRONCHITIS!

...Ain't nobody got time for that :| 

With or without you

MOOOON.

I know what you're thinking, but if you're reading this, and camembert the thought of it being about you, it's not. 

Maybe the first part.

Thanks B.o.B.

I see you

I feel you
I notice when you look..

I thought about Red Bulls hidden in metal beds
sketches I never finished
and just when I thought the hole with your name on it was healed I felt a sting where you used to be.
I won't drown myself in what I wish I wasn't missing out on
This night won't find me dripping silently with regret while I feed that howling hunger in my gut.
I will push you away
Push you back into the shadows and dark corners I wish you'd stayed in
I won't let you hurt me tonight.
I won't let you hurt me tonight.
I won't let you.

I thought about Guitar Hero pants at flattering angles
Remembered how you ran to me when someone came into my backyard
and when I thought I was doing the right thing and being the bigger person by cutting the ties
I find out you accentuate your pleas for space and left alone to that person who is not me
to cover up the fact that you haven't asked me for anything
other than understanding.
Of which I have plenty.
Of you
of this
of the way things work
of Magic.
And I will come and go, the way he did, and you will see.

There are cycles of everything. Everything rotates ascends crashes decomposes recomposes. If I figure out what starts the madness I can break the cipher break the cycle..Starting here. I know how to find you. I will leave you alone. I will not hold delusions that there is anything stopping communication the other way around.

//flawlesstwistingscriptingillusions;you'll never catch me. I see you try see you squint see your wheels turning burning but you're burning rubber flailing bailing out your boat getting nowhere..and 

//THEN there's differentials and I'm just the lilac fire burning in the corner watching falling coffee grounds getting lost in places I've no business in(yet).

>Can't take this can't shake this I remember this

>Shadows in backgrounds with lucid tantalizing the fringes of my consciousness

>Or am I too intense - is it frightening that their energy turned out to feel like you

//Noticing my defense lapsing

wonder how much time is passing between

those times enjoyment shows

in glances cast, "no big deal" if asked

but inside feels like spitting nostalgia - through something that hates to spit

and wishes it could pour gently instead

without ending up a tsunami.

Unfortunately it's one or the spastic other.

That part you're missing

Or that you're wondering about?

The missing dark spots aside from the obvious ones;

I'm batshit fucking insane. 

Something new.  Rebellious. Tower-ing..
Bull.
           

Cheese puns are my favorite.

You're joining this program already in progress

For those of you just joining us

Welcome

(to the ride)

I get blown on my own insanity and there's more still to pass around




And we're back to I don't even know
                                    no you're not, dude
live your life, keep lying
      [[layingburningdrinkingflying]]
I can turn it on and off .

    If there's anything this has taught me
    it's that I'm fucking magical when I have all of my parts pulled central
    and not scattered out to pacific and eastern seas
      and to the moon
        and to the emotions
          and to the universe.
So I inhale
flick, spark
                                   {flipchart}
lavender roar
back together.

And here we go.
To fall apart  all  o v e r   a  g  a    i    n ~

punish purple wishful thinkers

                             spending time believing ink
                               in cycles is a good decision

           -{you'll say it's no time for visions

Reading meters. Seeding cheaters.

fuck it. art vomit. egg beaters. 

I'm starting to feel like Dr. Seuss. I think it's time to go to bed.
In case you're wondering, today was incredible from start to finish.
I got everything I wanted
and I am so grateful to you for making it every bit as magical as it turned out to be.


There. Now you finally have something in here written about you. ;]



Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon.

And all of a sudden

I'm twenty three.
And nothing is different.

I'm still magic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8tBPidveM4

I dreamed

that we were riding on a school bus

This isn't weird, I have school bus dreams often. Apparently, they signify a heads up that a life changing journey is coming.

And...I guess you're on it with me.



Enjoy the ride.

I passed your street today

And it didn't hurt.

But I thought about it until it did.

One day I'll wake up and it won't hurt me anymore.









It sounds good.


If I say it enough I'll believe it myself.

'cause I like to party

There's a ghost in my mouth and he talks in my sleep

I almost deterred
from writing random spurred
thoughts and all of the other silly
billy
things I write here.


You're gone gone gone away, I wish you'd disappear. 

-all that's left is the ghost of you.

now we're torn

                                        torn                  

                                                               torn
                                                                                           apart

there's nothing we can do...
just let me go.. 

..we'll meet again soon

I feel like walkin the world.

This weekend was rad but ended too soon even though it was a three dayer. Best friend Rolled in from Dallas so the fourth had fireworks in the sky in our eyes. Small fireworks, blast of a time. Saturday found me with my head in a 14-hour vice from over caffeinated Dolphins, so we found two Advil migraines and a Minecraft marathon. 

I feel so guilty I didn't tell you happy birthday. 

A weekend of radio silence was beautiful and did my battered brain good, coming out of it to photoshoot offers and demands for jewelry pieces is even better. Granted it's back to the day job tomorrow, but I can handle it. Trying to do the mature thing and let what I wish I was doing be my motivation to do what I have to do to get to do more of what I want to do. 

Step one, go for a run to burn off the calories I ingested the last three days. I don't even want to weigh myself. Heaven willing I'll still fit into my size 8 jeans tomorrow. 

***

7.19 I'll turn 23. Gifts of marijuana will be accepted graciously. Am I stoked? Well. 

See.

I'm realizing something.

Somewhere along the line, I switched over into laughing at women checking for wedding rings on guys they met and were attracted to

To being that girl checking for a ring, because all of a sudden my peers are getting engaged

And I am becoming that girl on the sitcoms who "still hasn't."

I'm fucking TWENTY TWO.

Not to mention aftermath of crises involving one getting away

Like

The one I always imagined I'd be the one getting engaged to. 

Life is fucked! Shit fuck!

I don't want to think about forever

I want to go back to high school when love was sharing headphones on bus seats listening to music that broke our fragile little hearts.

When the only thing I ever daydreamed about were the various situations wherein my crush would finally land that long awaited kiss.

Now I'm like...watching people I used to crush on in high school get married

Wondering if I'll always feel like I'm stuck in a loop of playful beginnings and quick boredom

Nobody likes you when you're twenty three.

It's intimidating being surrounded by people who are looking for spouses

When you unwillingness to want to find one yet translates into fear over never being able to.

At the end of the day

All you can do

Is wake up and decide that you're going to do what you can to feel right

to feel happy

to feel good

to feel awakened

free, enlightened

at peace

in place.

And try and do it with love, because everyone else is trying to do it too.

I can't think about you, or else I cry. 

                  There is a permanent ache inside me with your name on it.

I have too many feelings, too many conflicting feelings, and I'm tired of people being mad at me for them. I feel what I feel and I don't control it, I couldn't if I wanted to, and if you don't understand that then you don't understand me and you don't belong in my life. 

Well, I can't do nothing all day.

The thing about looking forward to things 

is once they're over, you're a bit lost.

your life is long forgotten in the excitement of the event

But the point of this excitement is to completely change my life and the way I live it

And it will be a grand adventure

And it will be amazing.

Life.

I'd like to hear from you.

I mean that.

Moon Glorious

Yep. I'm done.

I'm done.
Done being clever
Done being outgoing
Done being exciting
Done having a brain

I just typed 20+ detailed bright shiny market-worthy descriptions of pieces of jewelry I have made.
You are lucky that these words are all spelled correctly
because my fingers are worn out
and my laptop has no auto correct.



Jesus God. Bedtime bowl.

(But I will earn my fucking amazing no phone escape from everything 4th of July weekend god dammit. DO WORK. And look for those twenty new listings tomorrow, motherfucker. Cuz they'll be there.)



MOON.

I wanted to talk about dreams
          because I thought you were mine-
-but it turns out you were made of schemes
          and a massive waste of time.

         Do you want to talk about dreams? I like to interpret them. You can comment anonymously if you want to tell me yours. Or you can email me, mooncatdesignsatx@gmail.com. I'd like some to post about. No judging, of course. The craziest shit you could possibly dream is usually really boring. Promise.

*

I chose this background on a whim, and by background I mean the hummingbird. I did edit the colors slightly, so yes. I chose pink.

*ahem*

I chose pink.

But, I didn't realize the significance of the hummingbird at first.

To tell you that story, I have to tell you this story.

**

Some people are dreamers.

I don't think I mean it the John Lennon way, although with the drugs he did I can't really be sure.

Also I don't know anything about John Lennon.

I mean the people who pay attention, close attention, to their dreams at night.

The moods, symbols, colors, locations, etc. Try to remember them, maybe even write them down.

Also those who attempt lucid dreaming; which is the ability to realize that you are, in fact, dreaming, and have complete freedom to move about doing and creating whatever you want. 

Instant gratification in the creation of your own universe. Until you wake up, that is.

While you lucid dream, your body is paralyzed. Fun fact!

Some dreamers prefer to only analyze what they see in their dreams. Others set aside specific times of day, like the first hour after they wake up, for symbols to present themselves. 

Whether you relate what you see when you're awake to your dreams or not is personal and relative, I think. Sometimes the symbols are recurring and sometimes it's the furthering of storytelling that your subconscious began the night before and weaved until it ran out of time. 

Personally, I see anything "out of the ordinary" as something worth looking up.

One day I was at Starbucks

sitting in the drive through

and I saw a hummingbird.

I think it goes without saying I typically don't see those? 

If it doesn't, it should.

(I don't typically see those.)

And I watched this hummingbird almost the entire 8 minutes I spent sitting there

So I had to look that shit up.

Small ideas and thoughts hold much potential and power

Flighty thoughts, frivolous ideas

Inability to commit, flighty nature

Big surprise, relevance.

Maybe my spirit animal isn't a cat, after all. Maybe it's a hummy.

...

naaaahhhh. I'm a fuckin cat.

**

Still though...

Tonight feels good. I like when I can say that.

These last few mornings have been pretty anxious mornings..

Sunday, I threw up twice because of it.

Monday was bad, but better.

Today was much better.

Anxiety is weird. My brain is weird.

If you have it, you're so not the only one.

And I understand.

And I am so sorry that you have to feel that dread fist squeezing the shit out of your stomach.

Smoke a joint. It gets better.

<3

I guess we're coming out of retrograde? I think?...

Nice to see you all again.

Somehow there's a cherry limeade IBC in my refrigerator.

I'm not holding my breath on getting that movie back.

And it's none of my business

but if you want to change that much about a person...

it would have been perfection[personified].

But I'm done.

Because anyone that thinks that snowflakes all look the same

is too blind to ever see the Light, Phaesporia.

Surprise me if you can, but it will be in backwards glances that I take notice

MyOcularOceansDisarmYourAlarm

After all. It ain't you, is it.

Is it?*

I think the fourth season of pretty little liars is overdue in my life, and I'm gonna eat beef jerky while I watch it, and I don't give a fuck what any of you think.

*

"What's your workout secret?!"

"You actually have to work out."

xx

Mewn

*refer to last post, get over it.