I had all the time in the world

I haven't had anything good to write about in a good, long time
or so I thought.

Listen, let's not focus on the negatives just now.
Let's focus on how much targeting your thinking works
Let's focus on keeping ourselves trapped inside tiny little boxes
Check
Check check, armadillo, check check

I thought some kind of personal growth would have happened on your end, and I was putting a lot of good juju towards it. Revelations and epiphanies that lead you on a beneficial road of transformation and spiritual development, that sort of thing. Instead...you took your problems, and you simmered in them at 350° for 20 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center gets jabbed in sideways and left there for someone to choke on. I am still sending you good juju. I just want you to know that the part that makes me the most sad is that you can't talk to your higher self because your ego is in the way. It got bruised and swelled up and I don't think ever got enough ice or elevation because it's still particularly inflated. You have to understand, this entire time all I have ever wished for you is happiness, and regardless of the type of love I had to give to you I still don't think the correct answer was for you to throw it back in my face because it wasn't what you wanted. People get confused and change their minds. To say that you never did, about anyone or anything, not even once, in very similar ways even, is a complete lie. Anyone who says they've never felt that is a liar, because lucky for us - it happens to all humans.
I don't care if you're my friend. Not as much as I did.
I want people around me who constantly look for ways to self improve, and don't let their pride get in the way of their soul (especially when they know they're doing it + allow it to continue for the sake of comfort.)
I care if you're a good human or not. Because I care. And even when I was really pissed I still cared, because I care. It doesn't mean I care. But I care.
Please don't end up as just a dude in a house.
You're worth so much more than that. You can do so much more than that.
Don't you ever settle.
Don't say "I'm not" out of defiance and anger and the need to prove me wrong.

I didn't say you are settling..

I just said... don't you ever settle.

Yeah, this is gonna be pretty long I guess.

 Momma Moonface had her knee replaced yesterday. She had a really old injury that had deteriorated to where she could hardly walk, so they had to give her a titanium one. (I told her she's bionic. She isn't in the mood for laughing yet.)
It's been super stressful, and I don't think that even begins to cover it. My anxiety has been through the roof, to the point where at the end of the day I can't feel it anymore because I can literally feel nothing. Emotional exhaustion is what that's called, I believe. When your brain is firing so many chemicals so hard for so long that eventually it just goes "fuck this shit" and goes on a two joint coffee break. It's a fucking blessing. 

I'm going through some personal hormonal health changes and weird shit too, on top of the dramatically large (but absolutely lovely and spectacular) change of my boyfriend moving in. So BAM BAM BAM aaaand today

Hello God. Are you there? It's me, Margaret.

I got my fucking period at the hospital.

OH

And then there's my stalker.
I don't actually know if I'm supposed to be publishing this online because it's an actual police case now, but when do I worry about rules, really?

So this little weird looking creeper comes up to me when I'm having an interview with a fabulous blogger friend. I'm probably 15 miles from my house at this point. Approaches, asks if I have a boyfriend, tries to shake my hand, is really weird and doesn't walk away, and finally goes back to wherever he came from. Creepy. I joked about it with Hunter later.

A week later he shows up at my work, nowhere near my home OR where I was (Starbucks) when he talked to me. Tries to touch me. I have to tell him to leave the store.

The next two weeks he comes in almost every day, and I finally tell him off and that I never want to see him again or I'd call the cops. I have a taser. I will not hesitate to flash fry the motherf***er. (It's now within three second grabbing distance from me when I am at my car.)

I saw him one more time after that and one of the managers escorted him out and told him we would call the police. I didn't see him again. It's been maybe two and a half weeks? Maybe? I've been off for a week, and the manager calls me this morning to tell me he was physically harassing one of our UNDERAGE employees and after she gave him her mom's number, he called it. And then waited for 2 hours for her outside the store.

They called the cops.

He had been doing the same thing with almost every associate at the store next door, according to their store manager.

I don't want to go back to work. I'm putting my taser in my pocket.


You guys

No, really, you guys..

You can't do this alone.

This shit is too hard to carry all the weight alone.
The part of my night where I come home so drained all I can do is cry
and I smoke and listen to music and repair myself - that's the most important part.

The things you do for others are only worth it if there's some of you there left to give.
This body has to last you your whole life
You gotta be nice to it
And reward it when it does you right
And rest it when it works too hard.


Spotify is awesome.
My boyfriend is awesome too.
(I know)
Truly, I don't think I could be as sane as I am right now if not for him. I don't know where I'd be without him. He insists I'd be doing just fine but I don't think I believe him. Not really.
Yesterday I came home to not only dinner, but a tray up on my bedroom floor with tea, fancy cheese (we like fancy cheese,) and the greens hit on a giant bowl of brand new weed. And chocolate. And strawberries and baby cucumbers. He just gets everything right. (And he let me pick the movie. I love him.) It's been hard to adjust (fun, but hard) to having him here, because I'm already so protective of my space and it's been just me here for so long. Controlling. I had to let go of some control. He rode the anxiety waves with me. He loaded me bowls and held me all night.

Sometimes I look at his face
And I feel such...finality.

And it's a whole lot better than temporary. And as hard as I've tried, that's what I've felt from everyone else. That it would all eventually end someday, for some reason. I have remained very close friends with one past love, because some connections (though no longer romantic) are too deep and can't be broken.

When you take that many Trips with someone, you can't just stop talking about where you've traveled.

But at one point, during one of those aforementioned journeys, the universe told me (and I told him:) "I love you, and I love this. But I am meant to be with someone else, and that's our curse." The universe said curse. I just repeated it. So it is. But I'm still Magnetic. I always will be. 

Should what I have ever cease being what it is, I will not regret those words. At the same time, I know with each breath I am grateful to have him be in love with me. And grateful for my health, and the health of those around me. And for every piece of energy I have instilled in my business.


Speaking of which, I rebranded. My art is heading into boutiques + physical shops, and I needed it to grow up. Meet Modern Alchemy. 

I love y'all. Who find this and read it. There's only a few of you, I imagine. Even fewer now that it's been months since I've been here myself. But I love you just the same. Thanks for letting me invade your brain, I know I feel better.


I'll word vomit on you next time.
<3


Mooooooooooooooooooon

The Jolly Journal, or, how Stella got her groove back

Love is-

                                 when you eat mushrooms and become incapacitated so he loads you bowls, and when you ask for chapstick he brings one of every flavor he can find so you have options. 

Out of all the moments you tell me to remember
The ones I remember best are the tiniest things
Like saving our Katamari game for us
Like when you cried in my lap
Like the first cocaine buzz
when you held the tray
Never before explored intimacy while substances explored us
and while we explored eachother

I have a deep craving for all kinds of adventures with you
Any kind
Let's go to the beach and take lots of Instagram pictures while we get sweaty stoned and sunburned
Let's get lost in the woods and hunt for bones and feathers
Let's find a secret spot by a lake and have a picnic
Let's buy plants together
Let's play all of the video games ever and watch all of the movies, good and bad.
Let's go have experiences. 

***

Life's too short to live it inside your head. It's already basically April, you guys. Month four out of twelve of the year 2015. And god dammit if I'm not a happy chick. I like the way things are going this time around the sun. I like what I spend my time on. I like who I spend it with.

But the thing is
I'm realizing how tiny a speck I really am
A speck on a speck in an eternity of time and space
I think it's because of the mushrooms.
It ain't bad, though.
I might be a speck but I can make a difference.
I can forge my own path and do it nobly and gracefully
And without taking shit.

Universe, I'm listening. 

Moon|

                   |uooW

Your Words Hurt

Sticks and stones, motherfucker
Such bullshit
You loaded that gun and aimed it at the core of me.

What you don't seem to understand
is that I'm well aware of how different I am
but the changes you see are being viewed through a veil of "I wish she was"

I'm not yours to wish

And I'm happy with myself. I'm happy with the way I am, and I love myself.
I love my ability to crank out pieces, designs, finished products. I love my word play, my purple hair, the chip in my tooth from chewing on my lip stud too much.
I am not motivated by money and I am disgusted by greed, but I sure as hell know I will be successful one day. I will provide for myself, for my family. I will do it because I know I can, because I want to. Because I know my dreams are big and only keep growing
but so does the sky
so does the universe
and the Universe has my back. I'm magic, dude.

Your words come from a place of insecurity. Of hurt, of anger, of disappointment, of lack of confidence.
Those things are not caused by me.
Those things are inside all of us.
Those things are inside me.
I am learning every day to deal and control and cope and overcome. The more I learn, the more experienced I get at doing these things. That doesn't mean it gets any easier. But it gets easier to pick up and keep going.

What I want to say is
Don't take your issues out on me
Because I made changes you wish you could have made
You flaunt your plans like peacock feathers
Thinking your eyes will turn me green
Why would they?
They're your plans. Not my plans.
Jealousy is a wasted emotion. You can't be jealous and creative.

I'm not here to hurt you. Collectively, humans aren't here to damage each other's souls.
But sometimes we do anyway.
At the least, we should try and only do it in misunderstanding, and not with intent. There's no reason for that.

You are growing desperate. Desperate for me to have an epiphany, so to speak, that will solve everything in your world. I can't even begin to tell you how backwards and pointless that is.
I am going where I am going and I don't see your personal direction on my GPS. You are going to have to accept that. Whether we remain friends or not is beside the point. To get on with your life, you are going to have to accept that the certain parts you are hung up on are done. Now it's this time, and it's never any time to be hung up on the past.

I fail to realize which parts of myself you think my previous self would have loathed so entirely. The part that drives me to work so much? My work is my creation, the promotion of my creation. I love my work. The part that still goes running and cares about how much food I eat? I definitely love and value my health. The part that does substances? Versus what, the time when I couldn't afford them? That hasn't changed! This is the self I always strived for. This is the self I wanted. I am proud of the position I have gotten myself to. I still struggle with ego daily, although now it's keeping it in check whereas before I was so self deprecating it was shriveled up and neglected. As long as I remember that it's about the impact we make on other people that matters most, I think I will be okay.

I guess this post could have been summed up.

TL;DR: Haters gonna hate. A house doesn't make you a man. Nor does that job, or that car. Don't project your problems and lack of belief in yourself onto my life. Not everyone can hang. You won't be the first or the last to tap out and fall away. I thought we were real friends though. That makes it different. Save yo drama for yo mama. BYE FELICIA.

 I am chasing down my wildest dreams every day. What are you doing?
Also, Kid Cudi is tonight.
Kid Cudi is tonight. 

I'm little but I'm comin for ya

I'm little but I'm comin for the crown

And those who were seen dancing were thought insane

by those who could not hear the music.

MOON.