I had all the time in the world

I haven't had anything good to write about in a good, long time
or so I thought.

Listen, let's not focus on the negatives just now.
Let's focus on how much targeting your thinking works
Let's focus on keeping ourselves trapped inside tiny little boxes
Check
Check check, armadillo, check check

I thought some kind of personal growth would have happened on your end, and I was putting a lot of good juju towards it. Revelations and epiphanies that lead you on a beneficial road of transformation and spiritual development, that sort of thing. Instead...you took your problems, and you simmered in them at 350° for 20 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center gets jabbed in sideways and left there for someone to choke on. I am still sending you good juju. I just want you to know that the part that makes me the most sad is that you can't talk to your higher self because your ego is in the way. It got bruised and swelled up and I don't think ever got enough ice or elevation because it's still particularly inflated. You have to understand, this entire time all I have ever wished for you is happiness, and regardless of the type of love I had to give to you I still don't think the correct answer was for you to throw it back in my face because it wasn't what you wanted. People get confused and change their minds. To say that you never did, about anyone or anything, not even once, in very similar ways even, is a complete lie. Anyone who says they've never felt that is a liar, because lucky for us - it happens to all humans.
I don't care if you're my friend. Not as much as I did.
I want people around me who constantly look for ways to self improve, and don't let their pride get in the way of their soul (especially when they know they're doing it + allow it to continue for the sake of comfort.)
I care if you're a good human or not. Because I care. And even when I was really pissed I still cared, because I care. It doesn't mean I care. But I care.
Please don't end up as just a dude in a house.
You're worth so much more than that. You can do so much more than that.
Don't you ever settle.
Don't say "I'm not" out of defiance and anger and the need to prove me wrong.

I didn't say you are settling..

I just said... don't you ever settle.

Yeah, this is gonna be pretty long I guess.

 Momma Moonface had her knee replaced yesterday. She had a really old injury that had deteriorated to where she could hardly walk, so they had to give her a titanium one. (I told her she's bionic. She isn't in the mood for laughing yet.)
It's been super stressful, and I don't think that even begins to cover it. My anxiety has been through the roof, to the point where at the end of the day I can't feel it anymore because I can literally feel nothing. Emotional exhaustion is what that's called, I believe. When your brain is firing so many chemicals so hard for so long that eventually it just goes "fuck this shit" and goes on a two joint coffee break. It's a fucking blessing. 

I'm going through some personal hormonal health changes and weird shit too, on top of the dramatically large (but absolutely lovely and spectacular) change of my boyfriend moving in. So BAM BAM BAM aaaand today

Hello God. Are you there? It's me, Margaret.

I got my fucking period at the hospital.

OH

And then there's my stalker.
I don't actually know if I'm supposed to be publishing this online because it's an actual police case now, but when do I worry about rules, really?

So this little weird looking creeper comes up to me when I'm having an interview with a fabulous blogger friend. I'm probably 15 miles from my house at this point. Approaches, asks if I have a boyfriend, tries to shake my hand, is really weird and doesn't walk away, and finally goes back to wherever he came from. Creepy. I joked about it with Hunter later.

A week later he shows up at my work, nowhere near my home OR where I was (Starbucks) when he talked to me. Tries to touch me. I have to tell him to leave the store.

The next two weeks he comes in almost every day, and I finally tell him off and that I never want to see him again or I'd call the cops. I have a taser. I will not hesitate to flash fry the motherf***er. (It's now within three second grabbing distance from me when I am at my car.)

I saw him one more time after that and one of the managers escorted him out and told him we would call the police. I didn't see him again. It's been maybe two and a half weeks? Maybe? I've been off for a week, and the manager calls me this morning to tell me he was physically harassing one of our UNDERAGE employees and after she gave him her mom's number, he called it. And then waited for 2 hours for her outside the store.

They called the cops.

He had been doing the same thing with almost every associate at the store next door, according to their store manager.

I don't want to go back to work. I'm putting my taser in my pocket.


You guys

No, really, you guys..

You can't do this alone.

This shit is too hard to carry all the weight alone.
The part of my night where I come home so drained all I can do is cry
and I smoke and listen to music and repair myself - that's the most important part.

The things you do for others are only worth it if there's some of you there left to give.
This body has to last you your whole life
You gotta be nice to it
And reward it when it does you right
And rest it when it works too hard.


Spotify is awesome.
My boyfriend is awesome too.
(I know)
Truly, I don't think I could be as sane as I am right now if not for him. I don't know where I'd be without him. He insists I'd be doing just fine but I don't think I believe him. Not really.
Yesterday I came home to not only dinner, but a tray up on my bedroom floor with tea, fancy cheese (we like fancy cheese,) and the greens hit on a giant bowl of brand new weed. And chocolate. And strawberries and baby cucumbers. He just gets everything right. (And he let me pick the movie. I love him.) It's been hard to adjust (fun, but hard) to having him here, because I'm already so protective of my space and it's been just me here for so long. Controlling. I had to let go of some control. He rode the anxiety waves with me. He loaded me bowls and held me all night.

Sometimes I look at his face
And I feel such...finality.

And it's a whole lot better than temporary. And as hard as I've tried, that's what I've felt from everyone else. That it would all eventually end someday, for some reason. I have remained very close friends with one past love, because some connections (though no longer romantic) are too deep and can't be broken.

When you take that many Trips with someone, you can't just stop talking about where you've traveled.

But at one point, during one of those aforementioned journeys, the universe told me (and I told him:) "I love you, and I love this. But I am meant to be with someone else, and that's our curse." The universe said curse. I just repeated it. So it is. But I'm still Magnetic. I always will be. 

Should what I have ever cease being what it is, I will not regret those words. At the same time, I know with each breath I am grateful to have him be in love with me. And grateful for my health, and the health of those around me. And for every piece of energy I have instilled in my business.


Speaking of which, I rebranded. My art is heading into boutiques + physical shops, and I needed it to grow up. Meet Modern Alchemy. 

I love y'all. Who find this and read it. There's only a few of you, I imagine. Even fewer now that it's been months since I've been here myself. But I love you just the same. Thanks for letting me invade your brain, I know I feel better.


I'll word vomit on you next time.
<3


Mooooooooooooooooooon

The Jolly Journal, or, how Stella got her groove back

Love is-

                                 when you eat mushrooms and become incapacitated so he loads you bowls, and when you ask for chapstick he brings one of every flavor he can find so you have options. 

Out of all the moments you tell me to remember
The ones I remember best are the tiniest things
Like saving our Katamari game for us
Like when you cried in my lap
Like the first cocaine buzz
when you held the tray
Never before explored intimacy while substances explored us
and while we explored eachother

I have a deep craving for all kinds of adventures with you
Any kind
Let's go to the beach and take lots of Instagram pictures while we get sweaty stoned and sunburned
Let's get lost in the woods and hunt for bones and feathers
Let's find a secret spot by a lake and have a picnic
Let's buy plants together
Let's play all of the video games ever and watch all of the movies, good and bad.
Let's go have experiences. 

***

Life's too short to live it inside your head. It's already basically April, you guys. Month four out of twelve of the year 2015. And god dammit if I'm not a happy chick. I like the way things are going this time around the sun. I like what I spend my time on. I like who I spend it with.

But the thing is
I'm realizing how tiny a speck I really am
A speck on a speck in an eternity of time and space
I think it's because of the mushrooms.
It ain't bad, though.
I might be a speck but I can make a difference.
I can forge my own path and do it nobly and gracefully
And without taking shit.

Universe, I'm listening. 

Moon|

                   |uooW

Your Words Hurt

Sticks and stones, motherfucker
Such bullshit
You loaded that gun and aimed it at the core of me.

What you don't seem to understand
is that I'm well aware of how different I am
but the changes you see are being viewed through a veil of "I wish she was"

I'm not yours to wish

And I'm happy with myself. I'm happy with the way I am, and I love myself.
I love my ability to crank out pieces, designs, finished products. I love my word play, my purple hair, the chip in my tooth from chewing on my lip stud too much.
I am not motivated by money and I am disgusted by greed, but I sure as hell know I will be successful one day. I will provide for myself, for my family. I will do it because I know I can, because I want to. Because I know my dreams are big and only keep growing
but so does the sky
so does the universe
and the Universe has my back. I'm magic, dude.

Your words come from a place of insecurity. Of hurt, of anger, of disappointment, of lack of confidence.
Those things are not caused by me.
Those things are inside all of us.
Those things are inside me.
I am learning every day to deal and control and cope and overcome. The more I learn, the more experienced I get at doing these things. That doesn't mean it gets any easier. But it gets easier to pick up and keep going.

What I want to say is
Don't take your issues out on me
Because I made changes you wish you could have made
You flaunt your plans like peacock feathers
Thinking your eyes will turn me green
Why would they?
They're your plans. Not my plans.
Jealousy is a wasted emotion. You can't be jealous and creative.

I'm not here to hurt you. Collectively, humans aren't here to damage each other's souls.
But sometimes we do anyway.
At the least, we should try and only do it in misunderstanding, and not with intent. There's no reason for that.

You are growing desperate. Desperate for me to have an epiphany, so to speak, that will solve everything in your world. I can't even begin to tell you how backwards and pointless that is.
I am going where I am going and I don't see your personal direction on my GPS. You are going to have to accept that. Whether we remain friends or not is beside the point. To get on with your life, you are going to have to accept that the certain parts you are hung up on are done. Now it's this time, and it's never any time to be hung up on the past.

I fail to realize which parts of myself you think my previous self would have loathed so entirely. The part that drives me to work so much? My work is my creation, the promotion of my creation. I love my work. The part that still goes running and cares about how much food I eat? I definitely love and value my health. The part that does substances? Versus what, the time when I couldn't afford them? That hasn't changed! This is the self I always strived for. This is the self I wanted. I am proud of the position I have gotten myself to. I still struggle with ego daily, although now it's keeping it in check whereas before I was so self deprecating it was shriveled up and neglected. As long as I remember that it's about the impact we make on other people that matters most, I think I will be okay.

I guess this post could have been summed up.

TL;DR: Haters gonna hate. A house doesn't make you a man. Nor does that job, or that car. Don't project your problems and lack of belief in yourself onto my life. Not everyone can hang. You won't be the first or the last to tap out and fall away. I thought we were real friends though. That makes it different. Save yo drama for yo mama. BYE FELICIA.

 I am chasing down my wildest dreams every day. What are you doing?
Also, Kid Cudi is tonight.
Kid Cudi is tonight. 

I'm little but I'm comin for ya

I'm little but I'm comin for the crown

And those who were seen dancing were thought insane

by those who could not hear the music.

MOON.

To my favorite scar

I couldn't play favorites
Too little too late//toomuchtoosoon

So bury me
in memory
His smile's my rope, so wrap it tight

Light that smoke-
-one for giving up on me,
and another because they'll kill you sooner than your expectations

Not the first or the last I've stolen poetic justice from your worn lines, dust and sweat
seamless blending, if only He were reading He would see the difference - silly boy,
you think family makes you a man.

Silver quartet of high school indulgence releases my independence releases my consciousness
reveals what was admonished releases the hounds, ever racing ever spinning
cycles that I can't control could control would should control
Your friends say My friends say
Friends always say the truth
                                             BUT
                                                       the truth      comes                 too                                   late.

Welcome to my hell

www. streamofconsciousness .com

And when I open the gates when I open the fate and let it out

It goes

and goes

and formatting makes you fall in love

with what is really just the reasons I can't sleep at night printed black and white sans serif 13 point

And you fucking love it. You're surprised

I am not

Of course you are. 

I know you are but what am I

What I am

How am I not myself

--
You're new here. Fledgling gracing pages of my inconsistent nonexistent book of shadows
Sleep forsakes, boredom overtakes, is this it? Quite the letdown if it is.
--

This is a love song
In my Own way
Better off some way some other day somehow some say.

I am every cliche but I simply do it best//Cliches are no offense when your life is born into irregularity

Moon           

    -----------   

uooW

Well when you go

~So take your gloves, and get out                                                                                                                          

And maybe when you get back I'll be off to find another way


Such strange soul splitting understanding from such unlikely sources
when all around me reeks of oversaturation of the times
I'm hiding in my dark dusty musty highschool reminiscence
                                                                 and letting it read me like it was written to.

It's been a while since I took the time

to take the time

and take time to stop- 

time is relative.

But

I have been incredibly busy with my business

And because it's the time of year when 55 year old women try 

to claw eachother to the death 

over fake pine trees - I've been working my mundane day job lots too.

Learning how to not let yourself put your life on pause for anything that isn't worth it is one of the easiest ways to feel free. Sometimes it's still a struggle to refuse to let myself feel guilty for needing to live the way I need to live, and I feel that it might always be that way. There will always be something there making me doubt, telling me I can't make it where I want or trying to distract me from my dreams with Convincingly conniving pretty painted pictures. Stream of consciousness stream my mind unleash it and let it fall back to pieces. Back to place. Back where it belongs. Get it out get it off get it up, the only way to decompress. 

I respect that you think it's clever, I love that you think it's beautiful but it's my mind. It's just my mind. Can't compress it can't suppress it can't control it. I have to flow the way I flow. I have to release the magic.

You guys.

I have to release the kraken magic.

Okay it's story time, you guys.

So

What had happened was...

I'm at my friend's house

she owns a completely kick ass small business that frankly I'm honored to be able to help her with.

Four of us

Three 30 year olds and me

Discussing how they buy their middle school aged nephews and nieces gift cards instead of giving them cash to try and persuade them to spend it on things that aren't drugs.

My mental process is like "damn, they're doing drugs now?"

Agreement from the living room "Man when I was in middle school and I had cash I bought drugs!"

"Yeah when I had cash I bought beer." 

And me..."When I was in middle school and I had cash..I bought brownies."

"That's why you're 23 and you're a BossBabe."

Well

That's why I was 20 and fat.

The fact that I'm sitting here at 23 and skinny

combined with the fact that I ate a lot of brownies

must be the winning equation that equals BossBabe.

In fact

I think the brownies might have directly led to my success.

hashtag, my life.

***

So fix your eyes, and get up

baby, get up while you can.

***

The great thing is
that when I keep my focus on what I know I'm meant to be
Where I know my destiny is
I become so in tune with the universe that it even sends me messages of faith
positivity, and strength
reminders who I am and why I do what I do
Just when I need them.
I declare my affirmations daily, I see them
I live them

The other thing is

the thing is

//and this is me talking//

all I know is reminiscing

convincing

no matter how convincing

still don't want to hear your convincing

Just sounds like crying

But I didn't. Almost when I left the park. Not since you left the state.

The truth is

I'll be fine.

What I want does not dictate Fine

So I will be.

And because I don't know what to think

I won't think about it at all.

I have more important things to focus on than your impromptu departures

Back and forth so fast you gave me whiplash

This time I didn't get six months

I got about 36 minutes.

How can you blame me for the way I feel

Answer: you can't

Not really

not truly

Not after all this time

not this time.

You can wish I took it better and was more understanding

But the one thing you cannot do is become angry at me 

for the emotions creating this ugly torrent from my belly to my fingertips

for the line creased into my Jupiter finger that wasn't there before

(I felt it deepen and etch itself there

but it's fading)

Because somewhere through your defensive line    

                          You know. You feel why. 

And you don't blame me

But you're bitter because you had to go anyway

And I'm bitter because I knew that and I let myself believe you wouldn't anyway

And somehow I am left feeling like                    

just another one                                                             

of your social experiments                                                                     

                                 all

                            over

                        again.

[all over.]

[[again.]]

When you go

would you have the guts to

say "I don't love you like I

 loved you yesterday?"

I just wanted you to know

that I know

and I'll know

that you know

that I know

nothing at all.

i do a great impression of a hot dog.

M.

You can't sit with us

"Hey Scott...been a while."

A year I think? (approximately)

So here I sit.
Back at square one.
Back at "don't try too hard."
Back at everything being a new discovery, because so much territory goes uncharted
unmapped
                     uncapped
                                                 fat caps.

I need a vacation.

There's this new thing that I'm feeling lately.
It tastes a bit like envy
Everyone is engaged
Everyone is getting married
Everyone is getting INto relationships
And I'm just over here like...

...am I ever gonna be in one again? 


When it comes down to the classification choices I have to make 
    about whether or not what I feel is the delicious drowning of my sorrows and loneliness
                 (made a bit less delicious and slightly more hollow)
    if the knowledge that this really isn't going to work out is true
I have always been a believer in "when you know, you know." 
If I knew, I'd know. But I don't know. So I guess it isn't.

But Fall brings nostalgia in me;
brings the need for physicality, the need to allow myself to drift helplessly far into cheesy holiday songs and hypnotizing fires...just, not by myself.
Sometimes it feels like I'm just watching everyone else around me learn lessons while I am so far out I can't breathe
                                   (help help! I'm bein' repressed! Disassociation!)
And sometimes it feels like everyone I know is doing the same to me.

This retrograde isn't getting to me quite the way it usually does.
In fact, the opposite. I can see the breakdowns in communication but this time I feel like I'm doing a better job of rising above it.

Working on finding my place.
Working on the feelings I have that say I'll be forever working on finding my place.
Working on remembering my dreams.
Working on building my empire.
Working on myself.
Working.

I'll be okay. I've had lots of practice.

I'll be better than okay.

I am better than okay.

I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm good...

I think

It is far better 

to have someone 

wish to know you

than for someone to wish to be you.

Maybe

wishing to read the script

of someone's soul

makes the both of you

just

a little bit

more interesting.

..

ta ta.

M.

Universe, bring me sales.

Internet, bring me your money.

Love.

M.