Well when you go

~So take your gloves, and get out                                                                                                                          

And maybe when you get back I'll be off to find another way


Such strange soul splitting understanding from such unlikely sources
when all around me reeks of oversaturation of the times
I'm hiding in my dark dusty musty highschool reminiscence
                                                                 and letting it read me like it was written to.

It's been a while since I took the time

to take the time

and take time to stop- 

time is relative.

But

I have been incredibly busy with my business

And because it's the time of year when 55 year old women try 

to claw eachother to the death 

over fake pine trees - I've been working my mundane day job lots too.

Learning how to not let yourself put your life on pause for anything that isn't worth it is one of the easiest ways to feel free. Sometimes it's still a struggle to refuse to let myself feel guilty for needing to live the way I need to live, and I feel that it might always be that way. There will always be something there making me doubt, telling me I can't make it where I want or trying to distract me from my dreams with Convincingly conniving pretty painted pictures. Stream of consciousness stream my mind unleash it and let it fall back to pieces. Back to place. Back where it belongs. Get it out get it off get it up, the only way to decompress. 

I respect that you think it's clever, I love that you think it's beautiful but it's my mind. It's just my mind. Can't compress it can't suppress it can't control it. I have to flow the way I flow. I have to release the magic.

You guys.

I have to release the kraken magic.

Okay it's story time, you guys.

So

What had happened was...

I'm at my friend's house

she owns a completely kick ass small business that frankly I'm honored to be able to help her with.

Four of us

Three 30 year olds and me

Discussing how they buy their middle school aged nephews and nieces gift cards instead of giving them cash to try and persuade them to spend it on things that aren't drugs.

My mental process is like "damn, they're doing drugs now?"

Agreement from the living room "Man when I was in middle school and I had cash I bought drugs!"

"Yeah when I had cash I bought beer." 

And me..."When I was in middle school and I had cash..I bought brownies."

"That's why you're 23 and you're a BossBabe."

Well

That's why I was 20 and fat.

The fact that I'm sitting here at 23 and skinny

combined with the fact that I ate a lot of brownies

must be the winning equation that equals BossBabe.

In fact

I think the brownies might have directly led to my success.

hashtag, my life.

***

So fix your eyes, and get up

baby, get up while you can.

***

The great thing is
that when I keep my focus on what I know I'm meant to be
Where I know my destiny is
I become so in tune with the universe that it even sends me messages of faith
positivity, and strength
reminders who I am and why I do what I do
Just when I need them.
I declare my affirmations daily, I see them
I live them

The other thing is

the thing is

//and this is me talking//

all I know is reminiscing

convincing

no matter how convincing

still don't want to hear your convincing

Just sounds like crying

But I didn't. Almost when I left the park. Not since you left the state.

The truth is

I'll be fine.

What I want does not dictate Fine

So I will be.

And because I don't know what to think

I won't think about it at all.

I have more important things to focus on than your impromptu departures

Back and forth so fast you gave me whiplash

This time I didn't get six months

I got about 36 minutes.

How can you blame me for the way I feel

Answer: you can't

Not really

not truly

Not after all this time

not this time.

You can wish I took it better and was more understanding

But the one thing you cannot do is become angry at me 

for the emotions creating this ugly torrent from my belly to my fingertips

for the line creased into my Jupiter finger that wasn't there before

(I felt it deepen and etch itself there

but it's fading)

Because somewhere through your defensive line    

                          You know. You feel why. 

And you don't blame me

But you're bitter because you had to go anyway

And I'm bitter because I knew that and I let myself believe you wouldn't anyway

And somehow I am left feeling like                    

just another one                                                             

of your social experiments                                                                     

                                 all

                            over

                        again.

[all over.]

[[again.]]

When you go

would you have the guts to

say "I don't love you like I

 loved you yesterday?"

I just wanted you to know

that I know

and I'll know

that you know

that I know

nothing at all.

i do a great impression of a hot dog.

M.