Yep. I'm done.

I'm done.
Done being clever
Done being outgoing
Done being exciting
Done having a brain

I just typed 20+ detailed bright shiny market-worthy descriptions of pieces of jewelry I have made.
You are lucky that these words are all spelled correctly
because my fingers are worn out
and my laptop has no auto correct.



Jesus God. Bedtime bowl.

(But I will earn my fucking amazing no phone escape from everything 4th of July weekend god dammit. DO WORK. And look for those twenty new listings tomorrow, motherfucker. Cuz they'll be there.)



MOON.

I wanted to talk about dreams
          because I thought you were mine-
-but it turns out you were made of schemes
          and a massive waste of time.

         Do you want to talk about dreams? I like to interpret them. You can comment anonymously if you want to tell me yours. Or you can email me, mooncatdesignsatx@gmail.com. I'd like some to post about. No judging, of course. The craziest shit you could possibly dream is usually really boring. Promise.

*

I chose this background on a whim, and by background I mean the hummingbird. I did edit the colors slightly, so yes. I chose pink.

*ahem*

I chose pink.

But, I didn't realize the significance of the hummingbird at first.

To tell you that story, I have to tell you this story.

**

Some people are dreamers.

I don't think I mean it the John Lennon way, although with the drugs he did I can't really be sure.

Also I don't know anything about John Lennon.

I mean the people who pay attention, close attention, to their dreams at night.

The moods, symbols, colors, locations, etc. Try to remember them, maybe even write them down.

Also those who attempt lucid dreaming; which is the ability to realize that you are, in fact, dreaming, and have complete freedom to move about doing and creating whatever you want. 

Instant gratification in the creation of your own universe. Until you wake up, that is.

While you lucid dream, your body is paralyzed. Fun fact!

Some dreamers prefer to only analyze what they see in their dreams. Others set aside specific times of day, like the first hour after they wake up, for symbols to present themselves. 

Whether you relate what you see when you're awake to your dreams or not is personal and relative, I think. Sometimes the symbols are recurring and sometimes it's the furthering of storytelling that your subconscious began the night before and weaved until it ran out of time. 

Personally, I see anything "out of the ordinary" as something worth looking up.

One day I was at Starbucks

sitting in the drive through

and I saw a hummingbird.

I think it goes without saying I typically don't see those? 

If it doesn't, it should.

(I don't typically see those.)

And I watched this hummingbird almost the entire 8 minutes I spent sitting there

So I had to look that shit up.

Small ideas and thoughts hold much potential and power

Flighty thoughts, frivolous ideas

Inability to commit, flighty nature

Big surprise, relevance.

Maybe my spirit animal isn't a cat, after all. Maybe it's a hummy.

...

naaaahhhh. I'm a fuckin cat.

**

Still though...

Tonight feels good. I like when I can say that.

These last few mornings have been pretty anxious mornings..

Sunday, I threw up twice because of it.

Monday was bad, but better.

Today was much better.

Anxiety is weird. My brain is weird.

If you have it, you're so not the only one.

And I understand.

And I am so sorry that you have to feel that dread fist squeezing the shit out of your stomach.

Smoke a joint. It gets better.

<3

I guess we're coming out of retrograde? I think?...

Nice to see you all again.

Somehow there's a cherry limeade IBC in my refrigerator.

I'm not holding my breath on getting that movie back.

And it's none of my business

but if you want to change that much about a person...

it would have been perfection[personified].

But I'm done.

Because anyone that thinks that snowflakes all look the same

is too blind to ever see the Light, Phaesporia.

Surprise me if you can, but it will be in backwards glances that I take notice

MyOcularOceansDisarmYourAlarm

After all. It ain't you, is it.

Is it?*

I think the fourth season of pretty little liars is overdue in my life, and I'm gonna eat beef jerky while I watch it, and I don't give a fuck what any of you think.

*

"What's your workout secret?!"

"You actually have to work out."

xx

Mewn

*refer to last post, get over it.

They've got goggles on, it's okay

I'm shocked

at my pageviews for this blog.

It appears
If you treat the internet like dirt
It will stick to you like mud.

Some confusion.
I'm not talking about you.
No, not you. You.
No, you. I actually am talking about you.
(See how this works? It's impossible to tell. That's the point.)
I could start putting names
(not a good idea)
And would defeat the purpose of anonymity, and vague-blogging, and venting.

but if the shoe fits, feel free to lace that bitch up and wear it.

*

It's mind boggling

the cyclical ways in which people come into and leave your life.

Is it finally time we realize that society's standard of one and done, lifelong monotony

isn't really the easiest thing

What if we are all lions and lionesseses

and not penguins

or doves.

Have you ever seen a mammal and a bird mate? I've never even heard of that.

My point is

I will love every single person I have ever loved

Forever.

There are different intensities, there are different feelings different smiles different thoughts.

And I am struggling very hard these days with the notion that

Giving these people my love

portions of my proverbial heart

(which I'm also not sure if I buy into anymore; the more love you give the more love you have. So why is it considered giving your heart away until there's none left for you? How are you not yourself)

Does not, in fact, give them any sort of power over me.

At all.

For some reason in my head, when I commit to admitting that I love someone, in any way, I automatically have to live my life based on the reactions these people would have to my various actions.

Which, I suppose, is what being considerate is.

Just not multiplied tenthousandfold into every bit of my life.

I'm fucking free.

I need to act like it.

Some days I am riddled with anxious guilt over things I haven't even done yet.

Just things I want to do.

I'll get back out of it though.

I always do.

I might be a lunatic, but at least I'm a hopeful one.

They may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not...

*

Waiting on photo shoot pictures is a really long and exciting process.

I get to see Eddie Izzard in four days.

I'm getting sick of my day job.

*

It hasn't even been two weeks yet. And I'm already ready for you to come back.

I feel like I'm waiting for you to come back from Georgia

And not from attempts at permanence with a shoddy stand in.

Vanessa came back, and so did I. And we both swore up and down we were out for good.

You will. It's just what we do. And I say that not with malice, but experience.

I'll see you at the end.

(See what I did to erase the confusion?)

Arthur, your safari into the pointless ends now. Get in the car.

***

What would be really funny,

is if by the time you returned

I was four hours away.

Oh, irony. We'll see, timing. We'll see.

*

Sunshine. We'd be unstoppable. This I know. But your peg doesn't fit my hole.

That one wasn't a sex pun either. Deflector reflector.

Eatmybrain.

xx

sing another song and make me feel like I'm in love again

the boulevard will never be so full of love and life again...

I have to

look at myself in the mirror while I floss

because my teeth feel weird in my head and I can't tell if I got between them all.

tap out my shoes obsessively before I put them on

because I own a couple pairs and I'm afraid there's spiders in them. 

There really was a spider once. 

find it really hard to believe that it's been a week already since you left. 

But

If it's already been a week

Pretty soon it'll be a month.

Then six.

And a year before I know it. 

I wonder if you'll be back within a year.

I wonder if I'll be here within a year.

(I think I'll be gone in 8.)

Super 8.

*

I have a photoshoot tomorrow.

*

I want to have enough self respect to tell you to kick rocks

because you did horrible things to me

treated me about as terrible as two people in a relationship can treat eachother.

Don't tell me I'm not blameless, don't you dare

I apologized genuinely long ago

And I've been waiting (for three years it seems) to hear yours.

Thanks for finally delivering it in a manner I could digest and not want to vomit back up in your face.

Even though some parts of talking to you made me want to vomit.

I don't understand how you can make me feel all of the ways you make me feel all at once.

Maybe one day I'll have let enough of my bitterness go to be able to try and trust you.

I don't take back what I said. I won't tell you when I'm in Denver.

And I'll be there, turns out. It's a lot closer, less distance to drive, and the rental car is about a thousand dollars cheaper.

Winner winner chicken dinner

You'll know though, when I'm there.

I've felt you off and on consistently since I've been home

I know you've felt me too

So it shouldn't be too hard.

I'll probably be in Civic Center park with my best friend smoking like the world is gonna end.

*

Last night felt really good. It felt the best that any night has felt in a while.

And I was sitting at home by myself.

That's almost like an accomplishment.

Wanna feel good? Close your eyes.

Take a deep breath.

[deeper]

Ready?

Stop giving a fuck.

I love you.
You're beautiful.

Have a good day.

♥

take the words that hang above my head

"what about the kid?"

it's time the kid got free

there's something about hangin out with the wicked kids..

write back what is wrong, we move along

Yesterday upon the stair

I saw a man who wasn't there

He wasn't there again today

Oh how I wish he'd go away...

*

I needed one of these again.

I will not apologize for what I write here.

I don't care if anyone reads it

or if anyone likes it

but if you are reading this, you are in for one hell of a ride.

*

I'm this girl

with entirely too many emotions

who is merely shaped like an adult

who smokes like a broken toaster

who is a tirelessly motivated artist

who is inspired by everything around her.

I ask a lot of questions.

I love a lot of love.

*

Changes are crazy. Changing. Change. Ching Chang Chong. 

Fuck.

The universe is insane. We are insane for expecting anything different from it. "We are the universe experiencing itself." In the most beautiful and stressful and fragile and magical ways possible. Being human is fucking hard sometimes. There are emotions to feel, other humans to interact with and impress your energy upon, rules enforced by other humans just trying to do the best they can with what they've got. Just like you. 

I've found that 

the most attractive I have ever been to the people I want most in my life

is when I don't give a goddamn fuck about them.

So the best I can do to keep them around is do my best to act like they don't matter?

that 

hope springs eternal.

*

I am made of magic and melodrama

but I know what I want

and no matter where I go

(and I will go, before we know it)

I will still know it.

I should probably start buying cat food now

because I am destined to be that lady.

Is it stubborn to say that if I can't have the best I don't want to settle

Or immature to refuse to chase other opportunities that could never compare?

*

I named her Artemis because the name was stuck in my head for days

(since I saw her)

and then I finally did a little research.

Artemis and Apollo were twins, born on a set of twin islands in Crete that are real and still accessible today by only one port out of Greece. Islands that are separate, but appear as one from a distance. They are called Paximadia and are located in the Libyan Sea. 

Artemis was born first, and became a midwife to assist her mother in her brother's birth. Her mother being Leto, the girl Zeus cheated on Hera with and turned into a swan. Hera forbade her to give birth on the mainland or on an island, except these islands didn't give a fuck what Hera said. 

Artemis is the goddess of the moon, her brother the sun. She is the keeper of wild animals, goddess of the hunt and of children, of midwives and virginity and healing from pain and disease. 

She is a badass.

On her third birthday she asked Zeus for six wishes:

To always remain a virgin

To have many names to separate her from Apollo

One of these being Phaesporia, or Light Bringer

A golden bow and arrow and tunic so she could hunt

Sixty nine year olds to be her choir

20 nymphs to watch her hunting dogs and bow while she rested

and to rule the Mountains. She didn't want a city. She wanted the mountains.

Orion is the only one who could steal her heart.

*

I don't think she's me, I'm she me she's me she. 

I still am under the belief that I used to be a star

and then I lived briefly a few other times;

I remember a few of you

I feel a few of you...

But it definitely struck me and stuck with me far more than what's usual.

I believe that it's possible to remember

I believe that it's possible to forget

I believe that it's possible to ignore.

Some things are just destiny.

The universe has a funny way of working itself out.

I guess we'll see where we are in February.

*

Two more weeks of work and then a mini vacation for my brain...check.

back to pretending to not care about you at all

anyone out there?..

I miss you.

xx

Moon

I'll never not be..