Something Obscure and Artistic

              Leave the past behind,

                                                                       just walk away.

        When it's over,

                                           and a heart breaks-

                                                                                                   -and the cracks begin to show.

You are a ghost

You are a shadow

Ever pale ever longing, ever hiding

in my mind, in that text in those words.

scouring the outpouring, nose to the ground snorting your lines

silly watching lustful eyes;..

Do you even know? Are you out there? How far out?

My sorry selfish need to be the strongest connection

always once again, finding me finding me out

stuck on the border between denial and doubt--

you're not even reading this, are you?

Are you?

Do you see it?

It's everywhere I'm everywhere..

Why do the cycles have to be so closely timed

and not space themselves out-

                                         -further apart

like trains.

Why am I always missing the train

Said it was my turning point

turning in circles turning on point

running in place while my mind escapes.

So nice, the daydreams

niceschemesloudscreams

Charlie Sheen

fuck.

I know you. I remember you.

Take me away

from this place

from your face

      You can't be trusted                  with my breakable parts.

Alright, shit.

I get the hint.

I'm too magic for you anyway.

is it you I want, or just the notion of

a heart to wrap around

so I can find my way around

I saw Moon Moxxi.

Have fun with that (:

It's almost like I couldn't have planned it any better if I had actually planned it.

Enjoy my words. They're all that's left.

I got them both. I deleted them.

You made your move. Keep playing.

....and when you get to my level, let me know.

I'm way ahead of you.

Signature,
Done.

There's too many things I haven't done yet.

MOON.

ETHEL. YOU ARE NOT HOLDING A POSITIVE THOUGHT.

I gotta keep it real

                                                                                          kosher kosher kosher;

Cuz she don't want that bullshit -
                                                     no sir, no sir, no sir.

***

No.

You made your choice move.

You have fixed the sheets and blankets, now go take a nap.

In the words of Ricky Ricardo to Fred Mertz,

"don't be such a pusssssaaaaaaayyyyy."

I didn't realize how bad it had actually gotten, until I checked my "other" messages folder on Facebook and hey, there she is. No wonder she knows my name.

I wonder what else she knows.

I meant it. I'm done.

I'm not sending the book. I'm not doing a thing.

I'll see you, if I see you, and we can go from there.

***

Said OH LAWD JESUS

                                          IT'S A FIIIIIIIUH

And then the SMOKE got me - I GOT BRONCHITIS!

...Ain't nobody got time for that :| 

With or without you

MOOOON.

I know what you're thinking, but if you're reading this, and camembert the thought of it being about you, it's not. 

Maybe the first part.

Thanks B.o.B.

I see you

I feel you
I notice when you look..

I thought about Red Bulls hidden in metal beds
sketches I never finished
and just when I thought the hole with your name on it was healed I felt a sting where you used to be.
I won't drown myself in what I wish I wasn't missing out on
This night won't find me dripping silently with regret while I feed that howling hunger in my gut.
I will push you away
Push you back into the shadows and dark corners I wish you'd stayed in
I won't let you hurt me tonight.
I won't let you hurt me tonight.
I won't let you.

I thought about Guitar Hero pants at flattering angles
Remembered how you ran to me when someone came into my backyard
and when I thought I was doing the right thing and being the bigger person by cutting the ties
I find out you accentuate your pleas for space and left alone to that person who is not me
to cover up the fact that you haven't asked me for anything
other than understanding.
Of which I have plenty.
Of you
of this
of the way things work
of Magic.
And I will come and go, the way he did, and you will see.

There are cycles of everything. Everything rotates ascends crashes decomposes recomposes. If I figure out what starts the madness I can break the cipher break the cycle..Starting here. I know how to find you. I will leave you alone. I will not hold delusions that there is anything stopping communication the other way around.

//flawlesstwistingscriptingillusions;you'll never catch me. I see you try see you squint see your wheels turning burning but you're burning rubber flailing bailing out your boat getting nowhere..and 

//THEN there's differentials and I'm just the lilac fire burning in the corner watching falling coffee grounds getting lost in places I've no business in(yet).

>Can't take this can't shake this I remember this

>Shadows in backgrounds with lucid tantalizing the fringes of my consciousness

>Or am I too intense - is it frightening that their energy turned out to feel like you

//Noticing my defense lapsing

wonder how much time is passing between

those times enjoyment shows

in glances cast, "no big deal" if asked

but inside feels like spitting nostalgia - through something that hates to spit

and wishes it could pour gently instead

without ending up a tsunami.

Unfortunately it's one or the spastic other.

That part you're missing

Or that you're wondering about?

The missing dark spots aside from the obvious ones;

I'm batshit fucking insane. 

Something new.  Rebellious. Tower-ing..
Bull.
           

Cheese puns are my favorite.

You're joining this program already in progress

For those of you just joining us

Welcome

(to the ride)

I get blown on my own insanity and there's more still to pass around




And we're back to I don't even know
                                    no you're not, dude
live your life, keep lying
      [[layingburningdrinkingflying]]
I can turn it on and off .

    If there's anything this has taught me
    it's that I'm fucking magical when I have all of my parts pulled central
    and not scattered out to pacific and eastern seas
      and to the moon
        and to the emotions
          and to the universe.
So I inhale
flick, spark
                                   {flipchart}
lavender roar
back together.

And here we go.
To fall apart  all  o v e r   a  g  a    i    n ~

punish purple wishful thinkers

                             spending time believing ink
                               in cycles is a good decision

           -{you'll say it's no time for visions

Reading meters. Seeding cheaters.

fuck it. art vomit. egg beaters. 

I'm starting to feel like Dr. Seuss. I think it's time to go to bed.
In case you're wondering, today was incredible from start to finish.
I got everything I wanted
and I am so grateful to you for making it every bit as magical as it turned out to be.


There. Now you finally have something in here written about you. ;]



Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon.

And all of a sudden

I'm twenty three.
And nothing is different.

I'm still magic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8tBPidveM4

I dreamed

that we were riding on a school bus

This isn't weird, I have school bus dreams often. Apparently, they signify a heads up that a life changing journey is coming.

And...I guess you're on it with me.



Enjoy the ride.

I passed your street today

And it didn't hurt.

But I thought about it until it did.

One day I'll wake up and it won't hurt me anymore.









It sounds good.


If I say it enough I'll believe it myself.

'cause I like to party

There's a ghost in my mouth and he talks in my sleep

I almost deterred
from writing random spurred
thoughts and all of the other silly
billy
things I write here.


You're gone gone gone away, I wish you'd disappear. 

-all that's left is the ghost of you.

now we're torn

                                        torn                  

                                                               torn
                                                                                           apart

there's nothing we can do...
just let me go.. 

..we'll meet again soon

I feel like walkin the world.

This weekend was rad but ended too soon even though it was a three dayer. Best friend Rolled in from Dallas so the fourth had fireworks in the sky in our eyes. Small fireworks, blast of a time. Saturday found me with my head in a 14-hour vice from over caffeinated Dolphins, so we found two Advil migraines and a Minecraft marathon. 

I feel so guilty I didn't tell you happy birthday. 

A weekend of radio silence was beautiful and did my battered brain good, coming out of it to photoshoot offers and demands for jewelry pieces is even better. Granted it's back to the day job tomorrow, but I can handle it. Trying to do the mature thing and let what I wish I was doing be my motivation to do what I have to do to get to do more of what I want to do. 

Step one, go for a run to burn off the calories I ingested the last three days. I don't even want to weigh myself. Heaven willing I'll still fit into my size 8 jeans tomorrow. 

***

7.19 I'll turn 23. Gifts of marijuana will be accepted graciously. Am I stoked? Well. 

See.

I'm realizing something.

Somewhere along the line, I switched over into laughing at women checking for wedding rings on guys they met and were attracted to

To being that girl checking for a ring, because all of a sudden my peers are getting engaged

And I am becoming that girl on the sitcoms who "still hasn't."

I'm fucking TWENTY TWO.

Not to mention aftermath of crises involving one getting away

Like

The one I always imagined I'd be the one getting engaged to. 

Life is fucked! Shit fuck!

I don't want to think about forever

I want to go back to high school when love was sharing headphones on bus seats listening to music that broke our fragile little hearts.

When the only thing I ever daydreamed about were the various situations wherein my crush would finally land that long awaited kiss.

Now I'm like...watching people I used to crush on in high school get married

Wondering if I'll always feel like I'm stuck in a loop of playful beginnings and quick boredom

Nobody likes you when you're twenty three.

It's intimidating being surrounded by people who are looking for spouses

When you unwillingness to want to find one yet translates into fear over never being able to.

At the end of the day

All you can do

Is wake up and decide that you're going to do what you can to feel right

to feel happy

to feel good

to feel awakened

free, enlightened

at peace

in place.

And try and do it with love, because everyone else is trying to do it too.

I can't think about you, or else I cry. 

                  There is a permanent ache inside me with your name on it.

I have too many feelings, too many conflicting feelings, and I'm tired of people being mad at me for them. I feel what I feel and I don't control it, I couldn't if I wanted to, and if you don't understand that then you don't understand me and you don't belong in my life. 

Well, I can't do nothing all day.

The thing about looking forward to things 

is once they're over, you're a bit lost.

your life is long forgotten in the excitement of the event

But the point of this excitement is to completely change my life and the way I live it

And it will be a grand adventure

And it will be amazing.

Life.

I'd like to hear from you.

I mean that.

Moon Glorious