'cause I like to party

There's a ghost in my mouth and he talks in my sleep

I almost deterred
from writing random spurred
thoughts and all of the other silly
billy
things I write here.


You're gone gone gone away, I wish you'd disappear. 

-all that's left is the ghost of you.

now we're torn

                                        torn                  

                                                               torn
                                                                                           apart

there's nothing we can do...
just let me go.. 

..we'll meet again soon

I feel like walkin the world.

This weekend was rad but ended too soon even though it was a three dayer. Best friend Rolled in from Dallas so the fourth had fireworks in the sky in our eyes. Small fireworks, blast of a time. Saturday found me with my head in a 14-hour vice from over caffeinated Dolphins, so we found two Advil migraines and a Minecraft marathon. 

I feel so guilty I didn't tell you happy birthday. 

A weekend of radio silence was beautiful and did my battered brain good, coming out of it to photoshoot offers and demands for jewelry pieces is even better. Granted it's back to the day job tomorrow, but I can handle it. Trying to do the mature thing and let what I wish I was doing be my motivation to do what I have to do to get to do more of what I want to do. 

Step one, go for a run to burn off the calories I ingested the last three days. I don't even want to weigh myself. Heaven willing I'll still fit into my size 8 jeans tomorrow. 

***

7.19 I'll turn 23. Gifts of marijuana will be accepted graciously. Am I stoked? Well. 

See.

I'm realizing something.

Somewhere along the line, I switched over into laughing at women checking for wedding rings on guys they met and were attracted to

To being that girl checking for a ring, because all of a sudden my peers are getting engaged

And I am becoming that girl on the sitcoms who "still hasn't."

I'm fucking TWENTY TWO.

Not to mention aftermath of crises involving one getting away

Like

The one I always imagined I'd be the one getting engaged to. 

Life is fucked! Shit fuck!

I don't want to think about forever

I want to go back to high school when love was sharing headphones on bus seats listening to music that broke our fragile little hearts.

When the only thing I ever daydreamed about were the various situations wherein my crush would finally land that long awaited kiss.

Now I'm like...watching people I used to crush on in high school get married

Wondering if I'll always feel like I'm stuck in a loop of playful beginnings and quick boredom

Nobody likes you when you're twenty three.

It's intimidating being surrounded by people who are looking for spouses

When you unwillingness to want to find one yet translates into fear over never being able to.

At the end of the day

All you can do

Is wake up and decide that you're going to do what you can to feel right

to feel happy

to feel good

to feel awakened

free, enlightened

at peace

in place.

And try and do it with love, because everyone else is trying to do it too.

I can't think about you, or else I cry. 

                  There is a permanent ache inside me with your name on it.

I have too many feelings, too many conflicting feelings, and I'm tired of people being mad at me for them. I feel what I feel and I don't control it, I couldn't if I wanted to, and if you don't understand that then you don't understand me and you don't belong in my life. 

Well, I can't do nothing all day.

The thing about looking forward to things 

is once they're over, you're a bit lost.

your life is long forgotten in the excitement of the event

But the point of this excitement is to completely change my life and the way I live it

And it will be a grand adventure

And it will be amazing.

Life.

I'd like to hear from you.

I mean that.

Moon Glorious